The consequence of just trying to push through

About 10 years ago, I pushed through something I thought I could handle.

I still live with the consequences today.

I woke up with a bit of a scratchy throat.

Out of commitment to my work, I headed off anyway and completed my day.

Even though my voice was pretty sore by the end of the day, I felt a little proud that I still pushed through.

The next morning, it was really, really hard to talk.

As soon as I spoke, it felt like somebody was strangling me. It was almost impossible to get words out.

A week later, I still couldn’t talk on the phone, I couldn’t order a tea at the cafe, and I couldn’t talk to the person next to me at a restaurant.

I couldn’t even read a bedtime story to my young kids.

For the next few years, I went in and out of specialist appointments with very little improvement and no clear answer about what was happening.

My chosen pastime became going to the movies because at least for two hours I knew I wouldn’t need to try to talk to anybody.

The hardest part was the distance it created between me and other people. Even really ordinary moments of connection became difficult.

Today I still need to manage what I came to learn was a condition called spasmodic dysphonia. It’s a rare neurological condition which, in my case, leaves my voice feeling and sounding strangled.

This experience taught me something important about compassion.

If I’d seen somebody else struggling with their voice that morning, I doubt I would have encouraged them to push through. I would have encouraged them to look after themselves.

Yet I didn’t offer that same compassion to myself.

I know I’m not alone in having that initial instinct of pushing through. Sometimes it kind of feels like a drive for survival. Or just a way of meeting a commitment and not letting someone else down.

Other times I think I’m just curious to see how far I can push myself.

And sometimes I’ve just got so used to pushing through that I forget there’s another option.

Whatever the instinct to push through, I’ve learnt that compassion for ourselves still matters.

That’s why compassion first is where I start in my book, with the people I work with and the people I care about.